She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
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I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
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I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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