I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
