....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
