Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
