he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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