Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
