just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Randomize
