I met the friendliest cop last night
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I want a musical about memes.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
