Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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