I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
