I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
