Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
