i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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