I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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