Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
