I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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