This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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