9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
