do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she smelled like a LAN party
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
