They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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