the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
