Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
ok first of all what the fuck
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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