I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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