i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
