I will die if light touches me.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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