Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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