Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
high people should be assigned attendants
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
