I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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