why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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