I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
