i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
