My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
