I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
