I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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