I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
