i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
