i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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