Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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