So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
