get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
