Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
