i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
