I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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