That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
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Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
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I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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