You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
