she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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