Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
