Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
