The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
