oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
