ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I am available for nakedness
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
