Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
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I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
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Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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