Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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