Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
