shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
