I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
