I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
