totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
