broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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