Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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