She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
